Teyla Troubles
by Fira Bella
Summary: The boys face the wrath of female hormones - and lose. Spoilers for Season 4.


Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate: Atlantis. This is merely fan fiction.

Author's Note: This is a little one-shot I wrote quite a while ago- before even Go Fish I think. Anyway, it takes place during Teyla's pregnancy. I always figured most of the boys were pretty clueless when it came to women- yes even John .. Anyway, enjoy!

* * *

Monday

1400

Rodney's tray of rations plopped onto the table narrowly missing John's nose. The Colonel sat up abruptly, but he knew better than to be startled. He awaited Rodney's explanation with an amused air.

"That's it," the astrophysicist announced. "I concede, I seriously do _not _understand. What could I have done?"

Sheppard fought back a grin.

"You know if _I _were pregnant, I'd have trouble enduring the sound of your voice too."

Someone cleared their throat loudly and John, momentarily terrified he'd been caught, let out a sigh of relief as his ears recognized the person behind him was Ronon.

"Hey guys, what's up?" he greeted, setting his tray down and carefully settling into a chair beside Rodney as if it might break. "Should I ask or am I better off not knowing?"

"Rodney tried to talk to Teyla again," John informed him, smiling. His eyes twinkled at McKay's expense. "It didn't go over very well…"

"She threw a pen at me."

"You prob'ly deserved it," Ronon muttered.

"Hey!"

"I was thinking the exact same thing," John tossed in.

"No you were not! Oh I get it…" Rodney mused. "You're ganging up on me…"

"Look, if it bothers you that much, I'll go see what's up," the Colonel offered.

* * *

Monday

1900

"Did you talk to her?"

John nodded. Rodney's eyes grew big, and he leaned over the table.

"Well?"

"She said that you took her lunch and that on Athos, where food is more valued, it's a great offense. She's tried to see your side of the story, but it hasn't worked."

"She never said anything about the sandwich! Why did she throw a pen at me?"

"She was so appalled that you had no knowledge of what you did…"

"Of course I had no knowledge. It was just sitting there- it could have been anyone's… I thought it was Radek's."

"Radek doesn't eat pork."

"What don't I eat?"

John twisted in his chair to beckon Radek over and explain himself.

"Ah yes, pork. Can't digest it. Accidentally took a ham sandwich by accident today too."

Something, somewhere, on the tiny man beeped, and he started. John and Rodney watched him fumble with his pager before making a hasty exit.

"Well anyway Rodney, she's mad at me too."

"For _what_?"

John shrugged.

"Taking your side I think, but she made it seem like just existing was enough."

He bit his lip, pausing to remember. Rodney sighed and went to join help Dr. Zelenka.

* * *

Tuesday

0900

John looked up from his "oatmeal". Radek was just short of fuming in front of him. Ronon stifled a laugh from across the table.

"What…" Zelenka began, but it seemed that the more emotion he felt, the harder it was avoid speaking in Czech. "What did you say to her Colonel?"

"To who?"

"To _Teyla_!" He went off into a rant, none of which either of them could make any sense of. Ronon coughed loudly in the middle of it and the scientist seemed to snap back to English. "She looked at me like she was furious… and then stormed away!"

* * *

Tuesday

2300

Ronon strode into the mess hall, beckoning the three sorry looking men away from the table and into the back room. None of them seemed to care that it was 11 at night.

"We're gonna make her breakfast," he grunted, making it clear he was not in the mood to be questioned.

"She's mad at you too, isn't she?"

"…"

Rodney grinned smugly at the silence.

"There's nothing more depressing than the knowledge that you're making a pregnant woman depressed," Radek sighed.

John simply followed the tall Satedan into the kitchen and mused over what to make.

"Ham sandwiches," he decided.

"Oh please, you know I can't," Radek reminded him. "I accidentally took one yesterday."

"Yes, yes, we know, you told us."

"Honestly, I don't know how you can eat that. I couldn't even watch you eat it…"

Rodney stopped in the middle of getting a knife out. Ronon casually took it out of his hand before he hurt himself. McKay didn't seem to notice.

"I'm sorry what?"

"I traded sandwiches with you, remember? I left the ham beside you, and ate your vegetarian."

"I didn't have a vegetarian…"

John giggled as he put the finishing touches on his masterpiece. Not a John Sheppard Deluxe Turkey Sandwich, but he reckoned if this didn't stop Teyla being mad at him, nothing would.

"CRAP."

Radek "seconded" that.

* * *

Wednesday

0830

"Come in," Teyla called out, wondering exactly what Jennifer wanted so early.

Rodney stumbled in as if he'd been cattle prodded.

Teyla narrowed her eyes.

"You're not Doctor Keller."

Rodney bit back any smart remarks.

"Um… no. Sorry. Uh-um… so the boys and I were thinking… um…. That… whatever we did…-"

Rodney stopped abruptly and stepped forward until he was past the doorway and there was room for the other three- and a breakfast tray- to fit in the small quarters.

"We made you something," John announced, showing only a slight amount of nervousness. Ronon set the tray down on the bed. Radek piped up eagerly.

"Uh, I made a traditional Czech-Slovakian soup."

Teyla's tired expression lit up.

"Really?"

"A-and, a ham sandwich." John looked proud of himself.

"Satedan dessert. Torshka… well I tried to…" Ronon regarded the soupy mess with a shrug. It tasted like Torshka and that was what mattered.

Teyla looked at Rodney expectantly.

"Umm… uh… Blue Jell-o and whipped cream?"

Teyla burst into tears.

"What did we do?" Rodney squeaked, backing up towards the door.

Radek beat him to it.

Ronon was the last to make it out.

"She's said she's really happy and she loves us, and we're wonderful…" he grunted.

Rodney fell back against the opposite wall.

"I give up."

The End

* * *


End file.
